And Then What? How to Understand the Root of Anxiety and Build Self-Trust
Most of us move through life responding to whatever feels most urgent in the moment. A deadline you’re afraid you won’t meet. An upcoming trip you’re stressed about. A hard conversation with someone you love. That one email you’ve drafted six times and still can’t bring yourself to send.
When something feels threatening or uncomfortable, our minds zoom in on the immediate situation and try to solve thatproblem. A protective part of us goes straight into action: we plan more, work harder, rehearse the conversation, triple-check the calendar, make another list, push through, shut down, avoid, or overanalyze.
Sometimes, these strategies help. But often, they don’t.
If you find yourself ruminating longer than you’d like…
or returning to the same stress over and over…
or feeling stuck between “I know this isn’t a big deal logically” and “I can’t stop thinking about it emotionally”—you’re likely addressing the surface of your anxiety, not the root.
That’s where the “And Then What?” practice comes in.
Anxiety Is a Protector
Anxiety isn’t irrational. It’s a protector. It’s a part of you trying to keep you safe from something painful—whether that pain is conflict, embarrassment, failure, rejection, disconnection, or repeating an experience you’ve lived through or witnessed before.
But anxiety works fast. It doesn’t always pause long enough to understand what it’s truly afraid of. It treats everything like an emergency, and suddenly, your mind is flooded with “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios.
That’s why we get stuck trying to fix the immediate issue with logic, reassurance, or self-improvement. We assume the problem is our focus, motivation, planning, or effort. We try to outthink or outrun the anxiety.
But here’s the truth: the part of you that’s anxious is rarely worried about the meeting, the task, or the conversation. It’s worried about something deeper—something that has little to do with deadlines and everything to do with connection, safety, or self-worth.
Following the Anxiety Thread: The “And Then What?” Practice
One of the most useful exercises I teach in therapy is called “following the thread”, or asking “And then what?”. It’s simple, but incredibly powerful.
Here’s how it works:
Identify the immediate worry.
Ask, “And then what?”
Notice whatever comes up, and ask again.
Repeat until the worry shifts from a surface-level concern to a deeper emotional truth.
Let’s walk through an example together:
Immediate worry:
“I’m afraid I won’t finish this work project on time.”
And then what?
“My boss or client might be upset.”
And then what?
“They could be disappointed or frustrated with me.”
And then what?
“I might cry, freeze, or lose my cool. I’ll feel ashamed.”
And then what?
“I could lose my job.”
Many people stop here and try to reason with themselves:
“I probably won’t lose my job. They’ve liked my work before. I’m overreacting.”
But reasoning isn’t what the anxious part needs. So we keep going:
And then what?
“I’ll struggle financially. I won’t be able to keep up.”
And then what?
“I’ll be overwhelmed and more irritable. My partner will be upset with me. We’ll fight more. My parents will be disappointed. My friends will judge me.”
And then what?
“I’ll be a failure. People will leave. I’ll lose relationships.”
And then what?
“I’ll be alone. Lonely. Disconnected. Depressed. Ashamed.”
And then what?
“I’ll feel hopeless. Maybe even worthless.”
Here, the real root of anxiety starts to appear—not in the work task itself, but in the fear of being alone, unloved, unworthy, or unable to recover from pain.
This fear does not live in logic. It lives in the nervous system. It belongs to a part of you, not all of you. But that part is often the one driving the bus.
Naming the Deeper Fear Allows for Better Support
When we follow the thread far enough, something profound happens. We can finally identify what part inside us is afraid.
Some people describe it as a sensation in the body, or maybe a vague energy, color, or metaphor, while other describe a vivid image of a person:
Sitting in a dark room
In bed, with unwashed hair
Exhausted, overwhelmed, alone
Disconnected and cut off from support, hope, or self-worth
This image isn’t meant to dramatize your fear. It’s meant to locate it. Abstract anxiety is hard to soothe. But a scared, lonely version of yourself? You know how to comfort that part. You instinctively know how to offer gentleness, presence, and reassurance. You know how to sit with it, instead of trying to fix it.
Now the anxious part has something concrete to be comforted around.
Why Logic Alone Doesn’t Work
We often skip straight to:
“This probably won’t happen.”
“I just need to calm down.”
“I’m overreacting.”
“It’ll be fine.”
Think about how that lands with other people. When someone comes to you distressed and you jump right to problem-solving, they rarely feel understood—they often escalate.
We do the same to ourselves. Logic alone does not reach the part of us that feels scared, lonely, or ashamed. That part needs to be seen, listened to, validated, and comforted before it will soften enough to let your calm, grounded self take the lead.
So What Actually Helps?
1. Self-Compassion With Direction
Once you’ve identified the scared inner version of yourself, you can target your compassion:
“I see how overwhelmed you feel.”
“Of course you’re scared.”
“You don’t have to do this alone.”
Specificity matters—vague self-kindness rarely reaches the nervous system.
2. Connection
Anxiety often fears relational rupture. Connection is medicine:
Text a friend
Sit near someone
Share your worry with a trusted partner
Ask for reassurance in a grounded way
Co-regulate through presence
The fear is often about losing people—so being with people helps calm the system.
3. Grounded Action, Not Panic Action
Once your system feels supported, logic, planning, and practical steps become effective. Your nervous system is more receptive. Your mind can think clearly. Your inner protector isn’t on high alert.
This Isn’t Catastrophizing — It’s Understanding
Following the thread doesn’t mean creating worst-case scenarios. It means revealing the deeper need beneath the urgency. Anxiety is trying to protect you from:
Shame
Loneliness
Rejection
Failure
Disconnection
Overwhelm
Hopelessness
When we listen deeply, anxiety becomes less of an enemy and more of a messenger.
The Heart of It All: Self-Trust
Every time you slow down, follow the thread, and meet your fear with compassion and presence, you teach your mind and body:
“I can handle what I feel.”
“I don’t abandon myself when I’m scared.”
“I can listen before reacting.”
“I can trust myself to stay.”
Anxiety loosens not because uncertainty is gone, but because self-trust grows—not by forcing calm, but by meeting your inner world with honesty and care.
A Final Thought
When anxiety shows up, it’s rarely about the thing you think it’s about. It’s often about the fear beneath the fear:
A young part of you trying not to be hurt again
A protective part trying to keep your world intact
A lonely part trying not to lose connection
You don’t have to silence these parts. You just have to listen. Once you know what you’re truly afraid of, you can finally tend to it—with clarity, compassion, and intention. This is where meaningful growth and self-trust begin—not by silencing anxiety, but by understanding it and responding to it with care.
…..
If you notice that anxiety keeps showing up in your life—whether it’s about work, relationships, performance, or just feeling “enough”—therapy can help you follow these threads safely and with guidance. I work with women, LGBTQ+ clients, high-achievers, perfectionists, and individuals navigating ADHD who want to better understand their anxiety, perfectionism, and patterns of overthinking or overdoing.
I offer in-person therapy in Fort Collins, Colorado, as well as virtual sessions across the state, so you can access support wherever you are. Together, we can explore what your anxious mind is really trying to protect, learn to nurture those parts of yourself, and develop strategies that actually work—without relying solely on logic, willpower, or endless problem-solving.
